Mr Q Raped my Chicken, I’m suing

I’m here to tell you a story, its a very sad one and it has caused a lot of rumblings in my household but I’ll give you a lovely intro though. Just picture me in a hut, with a wrapper tied round my waist and a chewing-stick hanging from my mouth. It was my vacation and I decided to spend it in my village – it has been a long time coming. I loved the scent of the firewood my mother was using to cook, the pot was very black but the food in it has more quality compared to all the snacks I had ever eaten in Lagos. It was a perfect setting
in its entirety and I felt at ease. I had parked my car somewhere hidden to block out any image of the city. A week of solemn and abiding peace in a serene environment was everything I craved. The Last time I sent money to my Mum, I made sure that extra was added for the purchase of some pets and livestocks, of particular interest out of what she bought was this lovely CHICKEN that had a mixture of colours like Joseph’s coat, very distinguished and healthy. You cannot miss seeing it, very conspicuous and adorable. The Chicken is that awesome and beautiful. So, I was admiring nature and the environment that particular saturday morning when I noticed that my multi-coloured Chicken (that I loved calling Joseph once in a while) was missing from action. I took my time to survey and capture every moving figure in the environment, searching the cracks in the wall to be sure I wasn’t hallucinating. That search was frantic (I must admit), if you’ve been addicted to something in your life before i.e Blackberry, then you’ll understand how desperate that search was. My CHICKEN was no where to be found! My reaction wasn’t good, but I had it at the back of my mind that my “Joseph” will eventually come home. Thirty minutes later, I had to go and answer the call of nature (those familiar with village settings knows where it is located) in the bush close to the house, I was about to disrobe when I heard a faint “chuckle”. My thought was that a kid was hiding somewhere peeping to see what load I had wanted to unleash…….yes, decipher. I scanned the area again to know who the guerrillas were and their set-up point. What I saw amazed me! I saw Mr Q kneeling, aggressively pumping and producing a censored rhythm (very censored), head swaying to and fro, eyes closed, body moving systematically and with intent, but I couldn’t see both hands and it was just his moan that betrayed his acts. So I moved closer to see the babe (at least I had established that he was pumping his sorrows away), I got the rudest shock of my life……..My CHICKEN was the babe! Mr Q had used one of his heavy hands to clip the Chicken’s beaks, while the other monstrous hand held my lovely chicken’s body. I was staring at someone RAPE my CHICKEN and I couldn’t interrupt, this guy-with his burly frame- would have given me a synchronous and constitutional beating. I decided to fetch other people to help build a case; they got there in time to see him wriggling in pleasure, satisfaction and excitement. We made the move and made sure his pants were still down when we took exclusive photographs (censored though). I decided to seek opinions on what to do, this guy raped my chicken and had rendered such a lovely animal useless for me. I took the case to friends and here is what they contributed. I’ll put their twitter handles here as their names, kindly note very well. They are @ilamosietu, @olukade, @enobong, @reMOHdified, @AAborode, @NajeebWali @ilamosietu: she said, RAPE of Chicken kwa? I only spoke of man’s inhumanity to man,the violation of another’s pride. It was obviously a very strange occurrence to her because she only wrote about Rape in the context of human beings. @olukade: He is the major participant in this, he insisted a Chicken cannot be RAPED just as it cannot be ROBBED. He went on to quote Section 214 and 357 of a criminal code that deduced anybody having carnal knowledge of an animal can only be guilty of FELONY and proceeded further to say Section 314 actually listed terms of rape and there was nowhere an animal was mentioned. The Felony in this case apparently carries a 14 year jail term, so he separated it from rape that carries a maximum of life imprisonment. So, I asked what will happen to the major actors; he said Mr Q would suffer punishment, my chicken either dies or life goes on and I’ll have to go on without any compensation. Seeing that I wasn’t satisfied, he asked me what I wanted. I told him that I want Mr Q to pay me bride price, marry the chicken and still get punished for the initial stealing and Rape. @enobong: she only commented “Rape of chicken? Yuk sounds gross” Its an awkward thing to do as her response confirmed. @reMOHdified: He agrees that its logically a rape case because an animal cannot consent, asking “How do you get an animal to consent to the act?” He partially agreed with @Olukade that it can be classified as crime but not rape, he was livid when he heard that my chicken gets nothing except “die or life goes on” retorting that it is unfair. He wanted sentence and compensation at the very least. @AAborode: He just advised me to change the title of this piece to “He Raped My Chicken In The Kitchen, I’m Suing”. Sounds catchy I must admit, but Mr Q did it in the bush. @NajeebWali: When I said I wanted to get a pay off and make Mr Q marry the Chicken, he simply remarked GOD! Now, let’s see what Mr Q raping my chicken has in common with our everyday life. Mr Q represents our Leaders, My Chicken is our resources (no limit to what it is, in this context) and I am the everyday Nigerian. I will love it if you can go through what my friends contributed again. We all agreed that Mr. Q raping my chicken was disgusting just like when our leaders loot our resources, we all act out in disgust. As an everyday Nigerian whose resources are being pillaged and looted by our several Mr. Qs, I want justice and a fair trade to occur; but when the constitution or criminal code or whatever book of the law is applied, it seems its always in favour of our several Mr Qs. My Chicken was raped, and Mr Q only goes to prison for a maximum of 14 years? That’s punishment, but I’m not compensated and my Chicken either “dies or life goes on”, meaning when our leaders loots us silly, they get slapped on the wrist (Alamiseigha, Ibori etc), our resources don’t get returned and we never get the appropriate compensation. We need to ask the right questions, do the right things and clamour for a change to the rules that allows our Mr Qs to get off so easily. As for me, I’m pursuing this case and I won’t mind if it gets to the Supreme Court. Mr Q must PAY for RAPING my CHICKEN. Adebowale Adejugbe I’m @deboadejugbe on twitter
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